I am excited to write my first post on A Mom’s View of ADHD. I have always enjoyed reading the stories on this site, and I’m always touched by the honesty and humility of the parents who post their struggles, joys, frustrations and victories. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist, and that job has given me the training to provide helpful tools to support individuals, couples and families. I love watching people change their patterns with one another so they can experience more joy with their loved ones.Here is where it can get tricky: I’m also a mom whose 11 year old son is diagnosed with ADHD. Even though my job title may encourage you to create a picture in your mind that I have it all together and make incredible choices with unending patience every day when it comes to parenting my kids, I don’t. I’m still figuring it all out myself. I know all too well that the “experts” can give you all the helpful tools in the world to manage your child’s ADHD, but a lot of experts don’t go home with you to see how it all works out. I also know that every child is completely different, and will not always respond to treatment in the way you would hope they would. Mostly, I know what it’s like to have really great interventions blow up in my face, so it’s important that I keep things real here and practice what I preach if I’m going to blog about ADHD.
When I think about what it’s like to live with a child who has ADHD, I am reminded of the movie “Groundhog Day.” You remember, the one where Bill Murray wakes up and lives the same crappy day over and over again? He keeps hoping the next day will be different, but every morning, at 6:00 on the nose, he wakes up to Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You, Babe,” knowing that he will be living the same day as yesterday.
Living in the trenches of a life touched by ADHD can feel very similar. You wake up hoping that today will be different, but end up living the exact same reality you were living yesterday. You probably hear yourself repeating the same phrases over and over and over and over (You’re playing Legos instead of cleaning your room like I asked?). You may be confronted with recurring problems despite your best efforts to solve them (Yet another email stating that work isn’t being completed on time again, despite the fact that we worked on a specific plan with the teacher to make sure this didn’t happen!). You might frequently feel anger (ugh… lots of anger) and sadness (double ugh… lots of tears) about the endless run of teacher meetings, doctor appointments, changes to diet, changes to meds, trips to the pharmacy, and attempts to navigate your child’s social interactions.
How do you make peace with the fact that ADHD has rooted itself into your family’s life? A frustrated mom told me, “Once in a blue moon, the meds are working, school’s going great, he’s following his morning routine and then out of nowhere, it all falls apart.” She realized that she was waiting for her son to transform into a kid who didn’t have ADHD anymore, and she felt so frustrated by the fact that it really wasn’t going away. Once she accepted that there would probably never be a day when ADHD wouldn’t be a resident in her home, she started learning how to adjust her son’s environment to accommodate the fact that ADHD was here to stay. Melissa Johnston, a contributor to A Mom’s View of ADHD, wrote a beautiful piece about her journey to acceptance of her son’s ADHD here.
If you think about what happened to his character in the movie, Bill Murray’s world didn’t change, he did. His heart began to change, his behavior began to change and then eventually his world began to shift along with him. If you look at your world through a lens of ADHD, you can safely assume that any shift in your child’s world has to include structure. Lots of structure. If you don’t already have a structure for your daily life that works for you, take a look at how your day flows. What is the morning like? What does the middle of the day entail? What are the things that happen in the evening? When does it all fall apart? I usually have people start with the ever-so-challenging morning routine. Working this one out can set the tone for the rest of your day, or at least give it a good start. To begin, focus on the “4 B’s”, as designed by Kansas City Therapist Allan Gonsher (You can find a great excerpt from Allan’s book, “An Allowance is Not a Bribe,” here).
The 4 B’s
1. Bed – child gets out of bed and makes the bed.
2. Bathroom – child goes to the bathroom, washes their hands, brushes their teeth and hair.
3. Breakfast – child eats breakfast (if old enough, they can prepare their own breakfast too).
4. Backpack – child packs their backpack for the day (unless packed the night before).
Provide an immediate incentive for the child to complete their morning routine. ADHD guru Dr. Russell Barkley suggests in his book, “Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents,” that children with ADHD will respond better to doing a small amount of work for an immediate reward. What that incentive will be is up to you, because you ultimately know what your child will respond to best. A friend of mine gives her child 10 minutes of TV time before school if the morning routine is completed. It took them about a year (yes, AN ENTIRE YEAR) to get it working correctly, but she reports that her son is finally working through the routine and is thrilled to get some TV time (it’s a heavily restricted privilege in her home). If the morning routine doesn’t get done, it’s not something to feel angry about, the TV just doesn’t go on – a natural consequence for not completing his responsibilities.
As you work to change your heart, your behavior and your world in order to create the best environment possible for your child, make sure you are taking the time to embrace the wonderful things that can come from living in a “Groundhog Day” kind of life. What are the positive rituals you can plug in that will at least start and end the day well? One family I know is determined to bookend their crazy days with healthy family connection. First thing in the morning, they all pile in mom and dad’s bed for a 5 minute “snug”, where they all snooze and give hugs to one another. Things may get chaotic as soon as their feet hit the floor, but at least they started out well! In the evening, they check in with each other and share the best part of their day and the worst part of their day. Each person has a chance to share, and it really helps increase their positive sentiment with one another. They realized that the nature of their lives might make it difficult for the good stuff to happen organically, so they just structured it into the fabric of their daily life.
How do your daily routines work? What are the rituals and structures you have in place to make your own “Groundhog Day” more manageable and enjoyable? I am eager to learn from you!
Kara Thompson is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Lenexa, Kansas. She is a mother of two children, one of whom has ADHD. She wants you to be nice to each other.