Good afternoon, and welcome to “ADHD Theater.” Today we will watch a familiar scene entitled, “The ADHD Train Wreck.” Moms of ADHD children everywhere have lived out this scenario countless times. Let’s begin…
SETTING: A playground
CHARACTERS: ADHD Mom, ADHD Kid, Playground Kids, Other Parents
TIME: All too often
ADHD Mom is sitting on a park bench with the Other Parents. The Other Parents are enjoying a beautiful day at the park, watching their children play kickball on the playground. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, healthy snacks are readily available and everyone is having a pretty good hair day. However, ADHD Mom is unable to relax and enjoy herself. This is because she is intensely watching the kickball game, while pretending to carry on a conversation with the Other Parents. She watches one of the Playground Kids roll the ball to her son, and he kicks the ball out of bounds. She begins to sweat and feel nervous as she watches the scene begin to unfold in front of her.
Playground Kids: Out of bounds! That ball was out of bounds!
ADHD Kid immediately gets upset, begins stomping and shouting on the playing field. The hair on the back of ADHD Mom’s neck stands up, and she finds herself sitting up in her chair. She is thinking, “Oh no. Please don’t do this. Don’t embarrass yourself. Don’t embarrass me. Not now. Not here… Oh crap, here it comes...”
ADHD Kid: NO, IT WASN’T!! IT WASN’T!! IT WASN’T OUT OF BOUNDS! I WANT A DO OVER!!
Playground Kids: The ball was out of bounds, dude! Get over it! Let’s get on with the game.
ADHD Kid: NO IT WASN’T! YOU GUYS ARE CHEATING! I WANT ANOTHER TURN! NOW!!! AAARRRRGGGHHH!!!
ADHD Mom feels the white hot glare of the Other Parents. She thinks, “Should I pretend like I do not know who the yelling kid belongs to? ” She wonders if she should explain to the Other Parents that her son has ADHD and sometimes has trouble calming down. She worries that the Other Parents will just think she is making excuses for her poor parenting and her son’s bad behavior, so she freezes like a deer in the headlights.
After a few minutes of watching in horror, she begins to formulate an exit plan from this “minor social derailment.” She hopes the plan will involve vanishing into thin air or using one of those memory-removal things on the Other Parents (you know, the flashy thing from the movie “Men In Black” when they wanted people to forget the things they’d seen and heard). After a few minutes of watching her son go downhill fast and realizing the Playground Kids were angry and quite tired of listening to him complain, she decides to remove him from the situation to prevent further damage.
With a delicate, kind voice, ADHD Mom lets her son know that it is time to take a break.
ADHD Mom: Son, you seem really upset. I think it’s time to take a break. I will give you two choices, you can either take a break , relax beside me, or we can head home. It’s up to you.
ADHD Kid: NO! I DON’T WANT TO GO! THEY ARE CHEATING AT KICKBALL! I HATE THEM! AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!
Instead of deflating the situation, the “minor derailment” has escalated into an all-out ADHD Train Wreck, and wouldn’t you know it, the Other Parents and the Playground Kids have a front row seat to watch the action.
Surveying the wreckage in front of her, she feels stuck and confused. Does she grab his arm and drag him off the field? Does she do nothing and let him completely melt down? Which is worse, removing him, or letting him stay? Both choices will probably embarrass both of them even further. As the game of Operation states, “It takes a verrrrry steady hand.”
She decides to get him out of there, even if it involves dragging him out. She has realized that there is no way he can calm down anytime soon. Throwing a fit in the middle of the kickball field will not only be painful for both of them, it will give the Playground Kids and the Other Parents more evidence toward the opinion that they are both screwed-up people who should be avoided.
ADHD Mom and ADHD Kid return home feeling awful. The Playground Kids and the Other Parents resume their lovely afternoon, thankful that the Train Wreck is over.
THE END.
All of us have experienced something similar to this scenario. The feelings of embarrassment and frustration are horrible. Unfortunately, there is no clear map about what to do when you’re watching an ADHD Train Wreck. If you’re faced with a Train Wreck situation with your child, there are a few steps you can attempt to take toward getting things back on track again.
1. Keep your eyes open. ADHD Mom has developed a habit of watching what is going on with her child, and that is a good thing. By recognizing when a situation is about to go from “Minor Derailment” to “Train Wreck”, you can potentially help catch your child before they escalate to the point where you can’t get them back.
2. Have your child take small breaks BEFORE things get out of hand. Taking short breaks for a drink of water here and there can help your child slow down enough to solve problems. A lot of the time, kids are like tops. If you wind them too much, it’s pretty impossible to get them to slow down. If you let them wind a little at a time, it’s easier to stop the spinning.
3. Don’t fall into “teaching mode” if things go wrong. When you are in “Train Wreck” territory, it’s not the time to tell them what they should have done differently, that it’s time to take a break and regulate emotions. Michael Bradley stated in his wonderful book, “Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!” that when kids are escalated, they’re not listening to what you are saying. He urges parents to think about these situations as a storm that needs to pass. Once the storm is over, then we can go in and figure out what to do in the future.
4. Stay calm. Your escalation will only increase your child’s escalation. Do your best to breathe and self-talk in ways that will keep you grounded and thinking clearly. I could write a whole post about this one! (Don’t worry; it’s coming.) Your emotional regulation is by far one of the most important elements here.
5. Form strong allies. The Other Parents in the scenario weren’t supportive because they had no idea what was really going on. Arm yourself with friends who will support you and be understanding of what you and your child are going through. Letting people know what is happening for you is a great way to avoid The Island of Misfit Toys (You can read about The Island of Misfit Toys here).
6. Plan ahead. Sit down with your child and create a safety plan together for when things get out of hand. Write it down, be specific and let them know what you will do if they are not able to regulate themselves in a situation. Ask for their input on what might be helpful to them, and both of you should sign it. For example, you can create a plan that has a hand signal, a phrase or a touch on the shoulder as the indicator that it’s time to take a break. You can also have things in the plan that state, “If you are in trouble and having a tough time calming down, I will come to you, tap you on the shoulder and whisper, ‘It’s time.’” If you have a plan in place, you remove the element of surprise for your child, and you are much less likely to say and do things you will regret later because of your frustration level.
7. Choose wisely. You know your child, and you know the environments that work best for them. If you’ve learned the hard way several times that a large group of kids playing in an unstructured setting is not the best choice for your child at this stage of his or her development, don’t continue to put them out there hoping they’ll “get it.” Work on developing your child’s social skills in smaller group environments where structure is involved, and after a while, try the larger group setting again. If it doesn’t work, go back to the smaller group. As kids develop and mature, they are able to handle situations they couldn’t before. One parent chose to stop sending her son out to play with the gaggle of neighborhood kids because he just wasn’t adapting to it. She switched to 1 to 2 person play dates for her child, and 2 years later, her son was out running with the neighborhood kids again without problems. She reported that she realized that sending her son out to the same environment without the developmental skills to be successful would only make things worse - he would potentially lose self respect and the neighborhood kids would probably want to avoid him all together after awhile. By giving him time to catch up and develop, she was able to let him go back in the unstructured environment with more success.
8. Remember the relationship. Your relationship with your child is THE most important element in recovering from an ADHD Train Wreck. If you remove your child from a situation, make sure it is done in the most loving, empathetic way possible. Let them know that you want good things for them, and that you are here to support them in any way you can. Let them know that yes, this must be difficult for him, but it’s what you both agreed upon and you are going to follow through with that agreement. If you lose it and blow your stack, apologize and repair with your child. Through all of it, your child must know that you are on HIS team and you are here for him.
As I said earlier, there is no clear answer as to what to do when you’re watching an ADHD Train Wreck. What do you find works best when things start to escalate for your child in a social setting? Do you intervene? If so, how do you know when it’s time to get involved? Do you get angry at your child? Do you feel sad for your child? Do you just let things work themselves out? I am curious to know how you get things back on track.
Kara Thompson is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Lenexa, Kansas. You can visit her website at www.karathompson.com, find her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/karatherapy, or follow her on Twitter at www.twitter.com/karagthompson.