I wasn't born to be a mom. Wait. That didn’t come out right. Obviously, I was born to be a mom — I am a mom, to two sort-of-planned tyrannical precious no-longer-tots. But I wasn't born to be only a mom. Well, that didn't come out right either. That sounds snarky, as if I think being “only a mom” is a bad thing. I don’t. In fact, I envy those that are that mom-with-your-whole-being type of parent. I am not that kind of mom.
I’m far from perfect — far, far from that vision in my conscience of the storybook “perfect” mom. The mom that spends all her children’s waking hours interacting with them: baking magazine-worthy goodies with them; crafting together like van Gogh Martha Stewart; joining their game of tag; decorating for every holiday like the elf du jour threw up on the place… You get the picture.
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| this is so NOT me! |
I suffer monumental guilt for not being that mom. I love my kids and I do want them to have the very best life. If I want them to have the very best life, then I must make it happen, or at least teach them to make it happen for themselves. I must be sure they eat their fruits and vegetables, keep the house 99.9% germ-free, head a committee or two for the PTA, volunteer helping those less fortunate… That’s how you create great kids that grow up to be happy, successful, fulfilled adults, right?
This fantasy of mine is the media’s “happy family.” If it’s your “happy family,” you are in that minority of moms who naturally devote their entire being to their kids. I am in awe of you. If I worked diligently to create this picture of the ideal family and the perfect childhood, I’m not sure I’d be successful. In fact, I think my family and I would be anything but happy, cancelling any success we might achieve toward perceived perfection.
Striving for perfection, by any definition, causes anxiety, fear and low self-esteem. No one is perfect. No one.
Believe me, I know.
Ask my family.
You see, for me to create a picture-perfect family would be a farce. It wouldn’t be authentic. It would be crafted from a desire to be something I’m not. I’ve struggled for many years feeling like an inadequate mom because my kids demand mostly foods that are shrink-wrapped, my house is a disaster I can’t let anyone outside our immediate circle see, and I have never once been to a meeting of the PTA, not one. I strain to change these things and I traumatize my family. Aiming to be the perfect mom just makes life worse instead of better in this house.
Instead, I am the mom who spends hours researching ADHD, learning disabilities, anxiety, organization strategies, etc. The one who goes to school conferences and IEP meetings and emails teachers multiple times a week. I am the mom that drives across town to therapy visits and regular doctor appointments. I am the mom who takes her girl out for cake and hot cocoa to be sure she knows she's loved. I'm the mom who reciprocates hugs every single chance she gets, and then some. I am the mom who is here, day in and day out, for whatever my children need. I may not be in the kitchen with them making cupcakes or on the floor mock-crashing Hot Wheels cars, but I am spending just as much time trying to ensure their success and happiness, in my own way.
So I’ll go on feeling good that my kids had a shower and three pseudo-meals today. We’ll continue to celebrate clearing life’s hurdles with a meal out instead of a fancy home-cooked meal with a blue-ribbon-worthy All-American pie a-la-mode. And I’ll continue to fight for the success of my children in the not-so-perfect way I know how.
Now, if I can just get that guilt monkey off my back.
Penny Williams is the creator and editor of {a mom's view of ADHD}. She is also a freelance writer, real estate broker, wife, and mother of two living in Asheville, N.C. She has published several pieces in ADDitude Magazine, the #1 national publication dedicated to ADHD, and has also been quoted in Parenting.com's Family Health Guide on ADHD and The High Desert Pulse article, When Ritalin Works. When not writing, she can usually be found behind a camera.
Penny Williams is the creator and editor of {a mom's view of ADHD}. She is also a freelance writer, real estate broker, wife, and mother of two living in Asheville, N.C. She has published several pieces in ADDitude Magazine, the #1 national publication dedicated to ADHD, and has also been quoted in Parenting.com's Family Health Guide on ADHD and The High Desert Pulse article, When Ritalin Works. When not writing, she can usually be found behind a camera.